Let us Agree to Disagree

One fine day, Akbar and Birbal were walking in the Garden. Akbar pointed his fingers at a crow and said, look Birbal that crow is white in colour. Birbal replied, “Yes, your majesty that crow is white in colour”. Akbar was puzzled by Birbal’s reply, because this crow like any other crow was black in colour. However, Akbar decided not to react on the first day. The next day, again they walked in the garden and Akbar again pointed out to the crow and said, look Birbal, that crow is black in colour. Birbal replied, “Yes, your majesty that crow is black in colour”. Akbar got angry with Birbal and asked Birbal, “Yesterday when I pointed out to the crow and said it is white in colour, you said, yes it is white. Today, when I point out to the same crow and tell it is black in colour, you again say it is black. Are you trying to fool around with me?”

For which wise Birbal replied, “My Majesty, I am fully aware that all crows are black in colour. But the point here is, I work for you and not the crow.  Moreover,  I don’t gain anything by pleasing the crow, but there is a chance I may get something by pleasing you”. Akbar laughed at Birbal’s sense of wit.

Like in the above story, many of us, are comfortable only, with people who agree to whatever we say.  As long as people agree with what we say, we like them. The moment they contradict our views we tend to dislike them. We are not concerned over, what is right rather we are concerned who is right.

Of all the human desire one of man’s most dominating desire is to make people accept what he says. Whether it is among family members, friends or business associates, we try hard to convince someone to accept our idea or thought. We argue hard to make our point accepted by others. We try to justify our point, using logical inferences such as citing examples, giving proof’s and even go to the extent of emotional coercion such as making  our voice loud or even intimidating somebody in order for our point to be taken. Is it not true?

Why is that we always want others to accept our point of view. Why is that we do not give the others, their right to their opinion. No two human beings are same and therefore it is impossible for two people to think alike. A person’s ideologies, beliefs and thoughts are shaped by his cultural background, his environment, his experiences, his perceptions, his learnings, his attitude and so many factors.  As we do not have these factors in common, we are different from each other. In every relationship, we find there are some areas where we get along with a particular person and in some areas we don’t agree at all.  It is this variety, that in fact makes a relationship beautiful. Infosys, Chief Mentor Mr.Naryanamoorthy, once said, “If two people in an organisation think the same, then there is no need for one of them”.

In a gathering when ideas are sought and you express your idea, and if your idea is mocked by someone, we tend to take it too personal.  An idea is a product of our imagination and when our idea is rejected, we feel rejected. What we need to understand is that, rejection of an idea does not mean rejection of the person. Our thinking determines our individuality. It is normal for us to have thoughts and ideas that are different from others. We don’t have to feel guilty about it, no matter who the other person is. It may be your parents, your siblings, your spouse, your boss, or your friend. We have the right to think differently.

With this ‘right to think differently’ being intact on both sides, how do we tide over problems in which we are not able to arrive at a consensus. Here is where, the concept of, “Agree to disagree” comes in.  By using this approach, we learn to alienate the issue from the relationship and argue only the issue, without causing any damage to the relationship. Whenever there is an issue and you need to sort out, you could define the issue in hand and then say – “You think that way, I think this way and so we have a difference of opinion. This difference of opinion is about a specific issue and not about us. So, let this in no way affect our relationship.”

To agree to disagree is a model of a matured mind. It is a sign of a healthy relationship. There is no need to get into a consensus, always. Let us make our relationships, thrive amidst our differences. 

Happy Reading,

D. Senthil Kannan

Article Dated Oct 2010