EXPRESSED INCLUSION

A few days back one of my friend’s daughter got married. He is quiet close to me, yet somehow I did not receive the wedding invitation.I was quiet surprised that I did not receive the invitation card. As I was out of country a few days prior to the wedding, I guessed he might have come to invite me, but because our house was closed he could have gone back, hoping to call on me some other day. He might have later forgot and got busy with the other wedding arrangements. So, I did not take it as an issue.

Moreover, I did not have any second thought of attending the wedding, as I felt that an invitation card is just a formality and as a good friend it was not necessary to expect such formalities.

Just a day before the wedding, he called me and asked, whether I received the wedding invitation. I told him, that I have not received the invitation, but that is not a cause of worry as I have already decided to come for the wedding. He said that he has missed out by some mistake and immediately rushed me an invitation card.The wedding ended well and he and his family where very happy that we came. In case, I had thought that he has ignored me or neglected me and had stopped myself from going, I would have created a dent in the relationship, irrespective of whose mistake it was.

A few days later, I happened to take a psychometric test called FIRO-B which stands for Fundamental Interpersonal Relations Orientation Behaviour. This test was very revealing of my relationship behaviour. Through the test, we are able torank our relationship behaviour under 6 classifications, as follows.

1.      Expressed Inclusion: Initiates interaction with others.

2.      Wanted Inclusion: Wants to be included by others.

3.      Expressed Control: Tries to control others.

4.      Wanted Control: Wants to be controlled by others.

5.      Expressed Affection: Tries to be close and personal with others.

6.      Wanted Affection: Wants others to be close and personal with me.

In this article, I wish to share my insights based on the first 2 classifications; i.e “Expressed Inclusion” Vs “Wanted Inclusion.”

This test revealed that my score on Expressed Inclusion was higher than on Wanted Inclusion, which means that I do not really wait for someone to come and ask me to join, an event or activity. If I feel it is important or interesting, I voluntarily go and join. This wedding incident that I have narrated here is a classic example of this. I Expressed my Inclusion, in the wedding function, by not waiting to be invited.

If we ponder over, we would realise that, very often in life, we miss out on some great experiences, by waiting to be invited. This small stumbling block called EGO, really restricts us from doing the things we would like to.

If you have been thinking, that you have not received a call from one of your close friend for a long time, just stop waiting for the call and make that call yourself and say, “Hi! Just called to check, if everything is OK with you”.  Your friend would be more than happy, to receive your call and probably say, that he too has been waiting for your call.

If you have been wanting to develop a social circle in a new city, don’t wait for someone to come and invite you. Just check out, the social clubs such as Jaycees, Rotary or Lions in your neighbourhood and get enrolled asa member.

If you have been wanting to learn something new don’t wait for someone to come and suggest a learning programme, just check out from one of the many sources such as friends, internet or yellow pages and sure you would find an apt programme as per your interest.

Break the ice as quickly as possible, so that the ice does not keep freezing more and more. The quicker you initiate, the quicker you start gaining.

The purpose of life is to live a life of purpose. We need to make out life meaningful. In order to do that, we have to make ourselves useful to the world. We can make ourselves useful to this world, only by volunteering to do good things. We may not be able to initiate every noble thing, but when someone is doing something good let us not wait to be called, rather let us go and volunteer ourselves to support the cause.

This quote aptly reaffirms this: “We are not as happy as we ought to be, because we build more walls and less bridges in our relationships.”Our relationships will get healthier and life will become more meaningful, when we learn to Express Inclusion rather than Wanting Inclusion

Happy Reading,

D. Senthil Kannan

Article Dated Aug 2014