Do you ASK or Do you TELL?

If you start to observe closely, the way, how people communicate you will realise that there are predominantly two types of communication styles. One is ASKING and another is TELLING.

 So what is the difference? The difference is simply in the way you phrase the sentence. That is all! But the type of response you get when ASKED Vs when TOLD could be significantly different. For example, when we are in need of something or need to get something done, we could either ASK or TELL.

If we are a TELL person, our communication style will be something like this:

·        *    Please get me some water to drink.

·        *    I would like you to meet me at 5pm.

·        *    I would like to discuss something important, right now.

·        *   I have installed new software and don’t know how to use it. Please come and help me.

Whereas, if we are a ASK person, our communication style, for the same above statements, would be something like this:

·          *   Can you please get me some water to drink?

·         *   Will it be OK for you to meet me at 5pm?

·         *   When is the best time, I can talk to you?

·         *   Can you help me with this new software?

On the surface level, both the statement types looks polite and courteous, but ask yourself which one sounds better and which one has a likely chance of getting someone’s cooperation?

Perhaps, the second one. Why is it, so? It is because, if you observe closely, you will notice that in a TELL statement the onus is on the “I, whereas in a ASK statement the onus is in the “You”. When we TELL, our communication is self-centred, whereas when we ask, our communication style is, other centred. That is why when we ask, people feel respected, whereas when we tell, people feel commanded. People tend to respond positively to request than to orders.

When you ASK, you generally get either a positive response or a genuine response. I am purposefully using the word genuine response, instead of negative response, because most of the time, the reason for us to TELL instead of ASK, is that we are afraid to hear NO as an answer, so we put our statements, in the form of instructions. But the truth is when we TELL people to do something, it is a sort of a compulsion on them and therefore their willingness is minimal.With minimal willingness, we often get a half-hearted co-operation or a low quality work done.

By asking questions, we encourage people to think for themselves, rather than just bull dozing our ideas and plans on them. When we are looking for a genuine co-operation and thinking in terms of developing a long term relationship, with someone it is always better to have their consent, before entrusting them with any job. Moreover, when they say YES willingly, they take personal responsibility and therefore there is no need for supervision.

Question yourself, “Do I ASK or do I TELL? Identify your style and if you are a TELL person, take conscious efforts to become an ASK person. Try this with the members of your family, circle of friends and colleagues at your work place. See what difference it makes. You will find that you are able to get more out of your relationships.

It may sound that this is just a diplomatic way of manipulating a person to get work done. Well,it is not! It is just like having a sugar coating in the tablet. Though we know that it is the bitter tablet, that is the reason for cure, it is the sugar coating that makes it easy to swallow. Is it not? Similarly, when our words are sweet, people love to help us, even if the work is hard.

Happy Reading,

D. Senthil Kannan
Article dated Jan'13

Learning together, Growing together

For ages, whenever we talk about learning, we have talked about a learning hierarchy: Guru - Shishya, Teacher - Student, Trainer Trainee, Mentor- Mentee, Superior - Subordinate or some sort of a higher intelligence- lower intelligence. The teacher or trainer, have always been looked up as a highly resourceful person, who has an answer for any question under the sun. But in this digital era, the equations have changed. Information is available in abundance. So, information is no more a differentiating factor, for a person to consider himself intellectually superior.

Moreover, today we are talking about multiple intelligence, which means that, everyone is intelligent in a different way. So, the concept of one person being a superior and another being inferior, in terms of intelligence, is slowly vanishing. Everyone is intelligent is his own way and there is a great opportunity for us to learn from each other, if we are able to come out of our ego trap. In the world today, if we need to sustain and to grow, we need to be open to the idea of learning from everyone around us. It could be our friends, our colleagues, our children or the people who work for us. I think the new age is all about co-learning or collective learning.

I have personally experienced, the significance of colearning as an emerging trend, especially in the area of life skills training, through some of the programmes, I attended this year.

The beginning of the year, I got introduced to a programme called TCI - Theme Centered Interaction. The highlight of this programme is that there is no trainer, but only a facilitator. Participants, including the facilitator sit in a circle formation, everyone facing everyone. A particular theme is put forth for discussion and every participant is asked to share his experience or thoughts. The duty of the facilitator is just to keep the momentum of discussion alive and on track. When someone speaks, others listen. No one interrupts the flow of thoughts. There is no validations, no judgments, and no arguments for or against. Everyone who speaks is expressing their view, based on their own experience and therefore they cannot be judged right or wrong. Even at the end of the session, the participant does not have a “take home message”. All he has gained is a renewed perception of life. I found it interesting and a new learning dimension.

Just a month later, I enrolled myself, in a basic counseling skills programme at Asha Counseling Centre, Coimbatore. I experienced an almost, similar type of learning atmosphere here. Participants are encouraged to share their experiences. They bring to open their problems. The counselor by way of listening and asking genuine questions, helps the participant to gain clarity and a higher level of awareness. This awareness helps the participant to find his/ her own answers. I realized that there is so much of richness and originality, in this way of learning. Everyone comes with a treasure of their own experiences, of which none can be discounted. When they share the same with others, it is not just for other's to know what is happening in their lives, but also to know what we could learn from the other person's experience. It was yet another learning dimension.

We live in a world, where we talk about synergetic growth. Synergy means that the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. Similarly, this collective intelligence is far greater than our own limited intelligence. I found this insight very meaningful and hope this sharing, can widen your learning dimensions. We have always talked about learning ladder. It is time we start talking of learning circles

Happy Reading

D. Senthil Kannan

Article Dated Dec 2012

TFTD “Start your day with a positive thought.” Happy day.

 The above caption may seem familiar to many of you, who receive my daily SMS TFTD, acronym for “Thought for the day”. I don't remember the exact date, when I started this daily ritual, but I recall that it was sometime in the later months of 2003, that I started to send out a daily quote of inspiration or a nice thought to a handful number of my close set of friends. It is now 10 years, since then and with time, the number of people to whom I send out this daily TFTD has grown to about 200. It does not stop there. This SMS gets forwarded by a number of my friends to their own circle of contacts and hence reaches out to a far greater number of people. By my conservative estimate, I think it reaches out to atleast 5000 people a day. Adding to this, thanks to FACEBOOK. I also post this message daily, in my face book page, where another 300 friends have the opportunity to see, tag and forward.

Sending out this TFTD SMS every morning, is something I love to do. The thought of being able to reach out to my friends and relatives with a nice thought, early in the morning, truly excites me. It is my way of saying, “Good morning” to my little world. Quite a number of days, I get some quick response such as “You are right! Very true, Nice! Super! Apt for the day! I agree! I don't agree!” or something like this. But, there are also many days, when I receive no response at all. But this has never deterred me

from following this daily routine. It is a commitment, I have made to myself, and I do my best to send it every day.

So what keeps me motivated to do this, is the simple fact, that there has been a few sharing's of my friends, which made me realize that my TFTD has made a far greater impact in their lives than I could ever imagine. Many of them find my TFTD as a coincidence to what they are going through in life, at that point of time. Some even call me and ask, “Did you have me in mind, while sending today's TFTD?.

Here are a few nice sharing's of my friends, about the

TFTD.

One of my very close friends, once called and said, “Sen, the TFTD you sent me today, is a real eye opener. I encountered a close to death accident yesterday and your TFTD said, 'Life is short, make the best use of it.' It really made me think”.

Another good friend called up one day and said, “Senthil, your TFTD today made me cry. Thank you, very much”. I was puzzled and asked why. She said, “I was holding a lot of grief in my heart and was finding it difficult to let out. Your TFTD today, said, 'It is OK to cry, ….' and it triggered me to cry out and I feel a lot better now.”

One person in Mumbai, who receives my TFTD as a forward, specifically back tracked my number, to call and thank me. He said, “Every morning, as soon as I receive your TFTD, I forward it to my customers. This has made my customers feel friendlier with me and so they prefer doing business with me. My business has increased”.

There are many such incidents, and every time I hear such a thing, I feel so glad. Some feel motivated, some feel solace and some just feel connected. In some way or other, it is a joy for me to know that my TFTD is making a positive impact in their life. I feel so grateful to God, for making me an instrument in reaching out with a right message at the right time, to the right people.

Some ask me, from where do I get this unlimited stock of nice thoughts? With all humbleness, I accept that I am not the author of all these quotes. Though, some of them are self created, most of them are from the books I read, the quotes I see somewhere or hear somewhere, some forwarded messages, some taken from internet, so on and so forth. The sources are many. The only

criteria for its selection is I should personally like it and to some extent be agreeable with the thought. For me, sending this daily TFTD has been a pleasure and will always continue to be. It serves as an reassurance to my belief, “Small effort … Big impact….”

Happy Reading,

D. SenthilKannan

Article Dated Nov'12

Small Courtesies Matter

Some common words of courtesy, which finds usage in our day to day life, are, Please, Sorry and Thank You. These 3 simple words, when used appropriately can keep the relationships running smooth.But often, I find, when it comes to our close set of friends or family members, we tend to take them for granted. This comes from the belief system that, there is no need to be formal with close friends or family members, by saying sorry, thank you etc.

I have often heard this among mygroup of friends, “Common Yaar, don’t be so formal. You don’t have to say, Thank you for this. That is what friends are for”. Well, while it is nice to hear, that friends do not expect to be thanked, I still think it makes sense on our part to say, Thank you, when we feel thankful to someone for their help or kind gesture. Ofcourse, it is then left to them to take it or not.But let us not neglect to do our part.

My feeling on this is,  deep inside every one’s heart they are looking for these small positive strokes, but do not want to say, that they want it. That is the nature of us, humans. We contradict ourselves a number of times. We feel something, but say something else.

For instance, let us say the same friend did you a favour and you failed to thank him, deep in his heart he will feel, “I did such a big favour and he did not even call to say a simple, Thanks.” Is it not? So, why give way to assumptions and complicate relationships. Let us always say ‘Thank you’ or ‘Sorry’ when it is due.Similarly, when we are in the receiving end, let us learn to accept, these words of courtesy, with grace.

While it is important to be courteous, what is more important is our words of courtesy, should also be genuine. When we say a Thank you or a Sorry, let us mean it.Being courteous is not just an external act of kindness, but an inward transformation of being respectful to fellow human beings, irrespective of their social or economic background. It is a lifestyle transformation that has to become our second nature. 

To start with, we can practise these simple courtesies, with strangers. When we see people waiting to cross the road, let usslow down our car and allow them to cross. When we see children in the school bus, waving their hands at us, let us wave back in acknowledgement. While travelling in a crowded bus, if we see an elderly person standing, let us rise up and give our seat. When we enter a hotel and the doorman opens the door for us and wishes us good morning, let us reciprocate the greeting with a smile and wish him back good morning.

We need to ask ourselves, when was the last time, we thanked the people who are working for us. Many would say, that is what they get paid for. But, I personally think that more than the money, what keeps people working for us, is how we treat them.

It is a common sight in the Indian roads, to see commuters fighting head on over a minor issue, as to who was wrong. Though the person, who has wronged, knows he is wrong, he does not want to own it, because he does not want to cut a sorry figure in public. Many a times, a simple sorry or just a smile can set things straight. But we are conditioned to prove that we are right, rather than to accept that we as humans, are bound to err.

Let us understand that small courtesies, really matters and make a big difference in the way we relate with people. Like a motor engine, which needs constant lubricating for a smooth drive on the road, Courtesies are the simple lubricants,thatwe need to keep our relationships friction free.

Happy Reading,

D.Senthil Kannan

Article Dated Oct'12.