Dear Readers,
I often come across this phrase, “It is better to be kind, than to be right”. Though on a human
relationship aspect this sounds correct, I have somehow not been able to come
to terms with it. Does it mean, that no matter how wrong or stupid, someone
behaves we don’t have the right to correct then and just remain kind?
Nowadays, the whole idea of what is wrong and what is
right, has become debatable. People jump in to say, “What may be wrong for you,
is right for someone else and vice versa. It is just a matter of perception or
value system.” Well, all this perception stuff is fine, but still we know there
are times, people are doing thing that is going to hurt them in the long run.
In such a situation, is it not wise to step in and offer counsel, instead of
just sitting back, in the name of being kind.? Ofcourse, inspite of all the
advice if the person is still going on the wrong track, nothing can be done and
he has to face the consequences of his decisions. But that should not stop us
from intervening and suggesting corrective measures, especially when it is our
spouse, child, parent, sibling or friend.
So, how do we give corrective feedback to someone
without straining the relationship? No
one likes to hear unsolicited advice, and specially giving a corrective feedback
can cause bitterness in a relationship and make the person distance himself
from us. So, how do we do it?
I listened to a youtube video by Swamiji Gaur Gopal Das,
through which he shared a 4 question mechanism, of doing it in a way that we
give corrective feedback to the person, without sounding offensive. So here are
the 4 questions, to ask before giving a corrective feedback. Let us explore it,
one by one
1. Am I the right person?: So,
how do we know, if we are the right person. We are the right person if the
individual is a relative or friend. We would also be the right person, if we
are an authority in that field.
2. Do I have the right
motive? The motive behind
trying to correct someone should be an authentic effort, which will genuinely
benefit the individual and not just to satisfy our ego or to find fault on
someone.
3. Do I know the right
way? Many a time, the
intention is good, but the way it is communicated can sound so harsh or abusive,
that the person immediately tends to switch off from listening to you. So, we
need to mind the tone of our voice. The issue may not be so big to flare it up
so loud. What is spoken gently is often listened better than what is shouted
upon. So, it is not about expressing our emotion, but explaining our intention.
4. Is it the right time? It
is human nature that we are generally spontaneous in our criticism, but slow in
appreciation. It should be the other way round. When you are going to
communicate something unpleasant, we need to choose the right time, which is
definitely not immediately after the flaw took place, but when we are cool and
the other person is cool too. This will help us to express the issue better and
for the other person to take it with a better attitude.
Following this 4 question approach, I guess we can be
right and kind, to a person at the same time. Give it a try, the next time you
are faced with such a situation.
Happy Reading
D. Senthil Kannan
Article date November 2016